Fighting Bear Tactics!!

Alright, I have been thinking and dicking around about the idea of bear attacks. Lets say your taking a huge massive shit in a hole outside in the wild wilderness. Your goin, but you start to hear some noises in the hole that your crappin in. You ask yourself what the hell you had for lunch but then you learn soon your shiting in a bear den. You pissed the bear off beacause you got one of the cubs in the face! The mom's pissed and its dancin and yellin and coming right for you. What the hell do you? Do you run for your life? Do you jump in a lake? Do you jump into a volcano? Do you finish your shit? Well, on one of my humpback whale riding adventures in the deep north, of the baltic sea, I was able to sit down with some of the greatest Alaskan bear hunting prodigy's, chief Humpatree, chief Hardsquash, and chief Fireballs. These men were amazing with there dancing and peace pipe smoking. They were saying how Tony Seliga's south american moves were great. I asked them for advice on how to survive a bear attack, and this what they told me..."If the bear comes for you, climb a tree or drop to a fetal position. Cover you head and neck with your hands. Keep on your pack to protect your back. Even if the bear bites you continue to play dead. Once he realizes that you are not a threat he may leave. If he does not stop, fight back and make as much noise as possible". Now, I was alright with most of this, but, the first bite it takes at my ass, Im not going to keep playing dead, Im going straight for the ball sac! While chief Humpatree was doing his business, I was telling the other two baboons some ideas how I would fight these animals. I already told you the first step, then you have to find a tree and get on one of the branches. Now the bear isn't going to leave, so when it comes to the tree, you have to surprisingly jump on it and ride it for a while. After that it was just me a chief Fireballs. You just have to hang on tight until the damn thing calms down. The badass is going to be runnin, dancing, pissen, hissen and you better not let go. Then! As it calms down for a second, this is your chance to hop off and do your chinese, bruce lee, chuck norris, migook, slappie chan moves. Your going to need to round house kick that ballfighting warhorse at any spot you can get it at. Your going to need hands of a tiger to block those fast throws its giving you. Its going to be a win or die situation. This is a no weapon situation. Once you get it on the ground, kick it or hit it right between the eyes. Dont run from the damn bear! Do you want to be the asshole who runs away, or do you want to be the lean mean ballfighting machine that took down that bear. Its your choice. If you get caught in a bear fight, just think about what chief Fireballs and the boys and I were talking about. You see the man in the picture, thats Frito. Were goin on a bear hunt!!!! He's the all time bear champion with 8 1/2 kills!! Anybody up for a hunt sometime with Rambo and Frito?